Well, it's been a while. I was supposed to post one thing, every day, that made me happy. It devolved into posting something that simply made my facial expression change, even momentarily, from its perpetual neutral/frownish position. And then I gave up on it entirely, because searching for things like that just made me angry.
Today I can quite happily post under the original intent: Allie's back.
Hyperbole and a Half is one of those blogs that makes me laugh so hard I fall into a coughing fit and end up with a sore throat. A hilarious sore throat. About a year and a half ago, she fell off the internet and made a lot of people very worried, including me. Now she's back, and further along on this "recovery" path than I am. This makes me happier than anything in quite a while.
Actually, I'm pretty proud of myself lately. I finished two baby blankets in the span of a week and a half, and if I choose to send the second to another guildmate, that will make TWO blankets I've managed to finish BEFORE the baby is born. I haven't decided whether to send them both to pregnant guildies or whether to sell the second one; the first is intended for a girl to be born in August, and the other expected baby is due in... errr... November? So still plenty of time for that one, AND with yarn ordered and on its way already.
My worry is that I'll cling to this "accomplishment" for far too long, basking in the self-praise, and not accomplish anything else. In fact, I finished them nearly two weeks ago, and only made two hats since then, one by request and the other just sitting on my shelf, doing nothing.
I still haven't made the effort to take proper photos of these hats and list them for sale online. I think I could get $25 or $30 for the smaller blanket. We'll see.
...And once again, a happy post devolves into beating myself up.
Both sides of the depression fence are frustrating. Both being on the receiving end of the "Why aren't you happy? I can MAKE you happy." The one you always feel like they're saying: "I can't handle you not being happy all the time, sucking all the life out of everything. Can't you just pretend to be happy so we can all keep having this awkward pretend normal moment?"
ReplyDeleteAnd on the flip side, you have to just watch a person go through these phases like someone you love is just rotting away, and it drives you so mad that you can't help them, that nothing will just FIX IT that you basically just SHAKE them trying to jostle something loose that will make them a person again, even though you know it's not going to help. (Even though I've been on the other side of the wasteland fence I STILL do this sometimes and it drives me crazy even while I watch myself do it. Sorry. :( )
Finally you just sit down and think "What? What do you say? If someone had asked me what would have helped, what would I have told them? Would I even know?" And of course, nothing really helps. Until the corn day. But the one thing that made it just a little bit less intensely frustrating trying to survive with all these agonizingly thick people all around clumsily trying to ignore or help was one person who said "Hey, I DON'T know how you feel. I DO know I can't fix it. Sorry. I love you."
So here's me. Saying that.
YAY BLANKETS AND HATS.